I know you're expecting a Cap 4 review or something like that, but we're not gonna talk about the movie (it's not even out in US, I'm just a privileged French with movie release on Wednesday), we'll keep that for later.
I really don't know how to name this one. It's gonna be my most personal post ever alright, so let's talk together, let's be serious for once.
The closer we were getting from Cap 4, the more often I get this question "how do you feel?" and I never answered to any of them because I wanted to properly adress it.
People expect me to answer "excited" like any fan and that's it. But that's not how I feel. It's way more complicated and deeper than that.
I'm conflicted because happines, excitation but also fear, dark thoughts and anxiety.
And it's very hard to talk about that, to go see someone and say "yeah I love this character and his actor so much that I actually have panic attack thinking about seeing them in theater", it's hard to explain.
How do I feel.
People expect me to answer "excited" like any fan and that's it. But that's not how I feel. It's way more complicated and deeper than that.
I'm conflicted because happines, excitation but also fear, dark thoughts and anxiety.
And it's very hard to talk about that, to go see someone and say "yeah I love this character and his actor so much that I actually have panic attack thinking about seeing them in theater", it's hard to explain.
How do I feel.
I just had no idea how to write this, I'm bad enough with writing anything at all as you know, so about me? I don't wanna say too much, or not enough. I don't want to overshare, but there're things I need to share. I'm not scared of whatever people will think of this, I'm very open with my health and I have no shame in it, not anymore at least. But internet still is internet so you can't just throw too much personal informations.
Where to start, where to start? I don't know.
Let's start simple, let's start two years ago. It was the 10th of September 2023, Splatoon 3 just came out on Nintendo Switch and my fiance wasn't here the whole weekend so I was alone and I spent it playing Splatoon in my bed and do nothing at all 'cause I have rules and schedules as a freelance and weekend is for resting only, no drawing.
But it was also the weekend of D23 (and Zevent for French folks). If you're not familiar with D23, it's a convention for "Disney fans" with announcements for everything Disney, which includes theme park, movies, series, games and more about Disney but also the franchises they own so Star Wars and of course Marvel. There's no "live streaming" for these events, you can't follow the panels online, you have to read from people who are live reporting on social media. Because I was playing and didn't want to bother refreshing my social media feeds, I put on a livestream of someone commenting whatever people were reporting.
I remember this MCU D23 panel started really slow and was utterly disappointing for most people. I honestly didn't really care, I never really cared about Marvel announcement. I would always just joke "oh well, we all know there's only one news that would got me excited anyway LOL" 'cause it was kind of the running gag, y'know, for years everytime we got SDCC, D23 or whatever involves Kevin Feige making announcements I would just joke about how I wish Tim would step in to say he would reprise his role and finish what he started but as the Leader.
Because I never lost hope that it would happen one day, unlike pretty much everyone else, so I waited and I made that joke each time for years and I would do so until it becomes a truth. Everytime I was watching a MCU project my only wish was to see a glimpse of Sam. A cameo, a name drop, I'd take anything at this point.
Because I never lost hope that it would happen one day, unlike pretty much everyone else, so I waited and I made that joke each time for years and I would do so until it becomes a truth. Everytime I was watching a MCU project my only wish was to see a glimpse of Sam. A cameo, a name drop, I'd take anything at this point.
So, when it did happen my first reflexe was to literally throw away my Switch to check Twitter myself (My Switch survived don't worry).
I got so excited that I got myself sick lol.
'Cause that's the thing, I have severe health issues (mostly hormonals) and stress, make me sick. Can be excitation, can be anger, can be stress. A wound, an infection like a cold, any kind of stress, physicial or psychological, positive or negative. And I don't know how to calm down, like, my body can't calm down so I tend to get stressed until I feel too tired to stay awake, then I "reboot".
But unfortunatly for me, I also suffer anxiety, a very bad case of anticipatory anxiety.
'Cause that's the thing, I have severe health issues (mostly hormonals) and stress, make me sick. Can be excitation, can be anger, can be stress. A wound, an infection like a cold, any kind of stress, physicial or psychological, positive or negative. And I don't know how to calm down, like, my body can't calm down so I tend to get stressed until I feel too tired to stay awake, then I "reboot".
But unfortunatly for me, I also suffer anxiety, a very bad case of anticipatory anxiety.
And this disorder is so serious it led me to a total agoraphobia for a whole decade. A whole decade in my room because just wandering in my garden gave me panic attack.
Now you might start to get the problem here, illness making stress bad bad for my health, very bad anxiety.
Now you might start to get the problem here, illness making stress bad bad for my health, very bad anxiety.
You know when people say if you fall off a horse get right back on, otherwise you'll be too scared to do it ever again. Well, that's what happened to me, I felt off and I didn't get right back on, so I got scared. Long story short I felt a few time (quite literally in fact) and when I asked for help, instead of saving me, people almost killed me and they destroyed me. I'm not gonna talk about how and why because I still feel to ashamed for that.
So I stopped trusting and I stopped going outside. I didn't want to see people, to trust people, to rely on them. I was (I'm still) afraid of being too sick and fainting and having to rely on people who abused me and to be humiliate me again and eventually successfully killed this time. Everytime I'm out I just think about it.
So I stopped trusting and I stopped going outside. I didn't want to see people, to trust people, to rely on them. I was (I'm still) afraid of being too sick and fainting and having to rely on people who abused me and to be humiliate me again and eventually successfully killed this time. Everytime I'm out I just think about it.
I can't really talk about these 10 years in my room. I just don't remember it, I only remember the daily panic attack, the emptiness and my need to scream, I don't remember anything else.
I remember the incapacity to enjoy even the simplest things you love, because suddenly everything is scary, everything is unbearable and ultimatly the fear becomes way stronger than whatever you love doing so doing it becomes a painful challenge with no satisfaction. You find any excuses to stop doing these things because it's just too hard. There's nothing but a threatening void.
But I forgot everything else and it's pretty common with me, when I go through something awful related to my health I forget the few weeks following it. It makes it kinda hard to see my improvement because I can't remember how I felt before so I always feel like I don't get better and it probably created a shit tons of traumas that I'm not even aware of but y'know.
I remember the incapacity to enjoy even the simplest things you love, because suddenly everything is scary, everything is unbearable and ultimatly the fear becomes way stronger than whatever you love doing so doing it becomes a painful challenge with no satisfaction. You find any excuses to stop doing these things because it's just too hard. There's nothing but a threatening void.
But I forgot everything else and it's pretty common with me, when I go through something awful related to my health I forget the few weeks following it. It makes it kinda hard to see my improvement because I can't remember how I felt before so I always feel like I don't get better and it probably created a shit tons of traumas that I'm not even aware of but y'know.
Fortunatly for me, I am blessed with a wonderful loving mother, the most supporting siblings, awesome friends and the best possible lover.
It doesn't matter what people say, I'm a form of burden. When you love someone you can't help it, you can't look away and just not feel bad with them or feel scared for them. I also highly limit their life as there's a lot of stuff I'm unable to do or need a very extra care. It's also hard, I guess, to take care of someone with a neuroA freak suffering anxiety and sometimes depressions. And I'm not forcing this burden on anyone, people are free to leave. But they stayed. With all their love, with all their care, they always stayed with me.
So for them I tried to overcome all that alone, because I didn't want to add to their pain.
I became very good at faking and hiding my panic attacks, as much as I wanted to cry I was always able to swallow my tears back so from time to time we would do stuff and it was awful for me but I did it with a smile so they could stop being so concerned about me and feel better, or so I thought because they always know.
But they knew, always. What a mistake it was. They'll get hurt anyway, this is what love is about, for the best and for the worst just like you can't help but feeling hurt when someone you love is hurt. "But I'm different" no you're not, you wouldn't like them to do that to you because it would hurt you so don't do that to them, don't hurt them. That's the first step, don't hide. It's the hardest step, I know, I've been through it but please, no matter how you brain tell you to do it, don't hide.
I became very good at faking and hiding my panic attacks, as much as I wanted to cry I was always able to swallow my tears back so from time to time we would do stuff and it was awful for me but I did it with a smile so they could stop being so concerned about me and feel better, or so I thought because they always know.
But they knew, always. What a mistake it was. They'll get hurt anyway, this is what love is about, for the best and for the worst just like you can't help but feeling hurt when someone you love is hurt. "But I'm different" no you're not, you wouldn't like them to do that to you because it would hurt you so don't do that to them, don't hurt them. That's the first step, don't hide. It's the hardest step, I know, I've been through it but please, no matter how you brain tell you to do it, don't hide.
At some point I did start feeling really better, "fake it until you make it" or something like that I guess. It was in 2018 and you know what happened after that. The relapse was inevitable. COVID itself didn't make my anxiety harder 'cause I'm used to be incredibly extra cautious with virus, they can all be dangerous to me anyway. But being separated from the people I love and not being able to go out in a moment of my life I was slowly overcoming agoraphobia did make it harder. If you fell, go back on, but what if you can't.
And the relapse made it worst this time to the point I started having suicidal pulsions. Not just a thought, not just a whisper in my head that I could just kinda ignore, a pulsion and it's incredibly fucking scary to see "you" seeking way to end your life against your own will, it's incredibly violent for your mind. So this time I didn't fake anything and I asked for help.
They did anything they could to calm down the pulsion and it worked, I wasn't looking for a way to die anymore, though the anxiety, panic attack and the suicidal thoughts were still here. Also because it made me develop a very very strong fear of suicide so everytime I have dark thought that makes me less happy to live I tend to panic in fear it becomes real suicidal pulsion. So I was kind of stuck in this painful in between, good enough to stay but not good enough to enjoy it, good enough to survive but not good enough to live, if that makes sense. I still wanted to die but I didn't want to at the same time. I would just, like, suffer life. I thought "welp, this is your life now, you're never getting better, you're never getting out ever again, you're never enjoying anything anymore". And I was ok with that. I still forced myself to do stuff to please people who, unlike me, had hope. My closed ones did their best to help me out and make things as comfortable as possible for me and thanks to them, from time to time, I even enjoyed being here and doing things with them and feeling grateful I was here.
But the moment after I was alone again.
That's the problem when you rest your entire life on your closed one, when you live only for them. They're not always around and when they're not there's nothing but darkness. And there's nothing to hold you back either. And sometimes it's even worst because you want to vanish FOR them, you know they'll be sad and mourn you but there's a voice telling you "if you "leave" they'll be sad for a while but their life will get significantly better afterward". And it doesn't matter how aware you are that it's a lie and that it will consume them and destroy their life forever and make them go through the most painful possible torture (guilt) until their own last breath and even make them feel the way you feel (or worst). Earing it daily make you consider this idea, normalize it instead of shocking you and they're not here to prove it wrong.
But the moment after I was alone again.
That's the problem when you rest your entire life on your closed one, when you live only for them. They're not always around and when they're not there's nothing but darkness. And there's nothing to hold you back either. And sometimes it's even worst because you want to vanish FOR them, you know they'll be sad and mourn you but there's a voice telling you "if you "leave" they'll be sad for a while but their life will get significantly better afterward". And it doesn't matter how aware you are that it's a lie and that it will consume them and destroy their life forever and make them go through the most painful possible torture (guilt) until their own last breath and even make them feel the way you feel (or worst). Earing it daily make you consider this idea, normalize it instead of shocking you and they're not here to prove it wrong.
So I clinged to Sam. Because Sam is fictive, he doesn't have to be "here". I used him to have a reason to stay even when I was alone.
When you have health issues, disabilities, you're taught to blame yourself over it, you're taught that you don't deserve to be loved. Hell, you're not even human. So you grow up without self estime and full of self-hatred.
Sam is like me in a lot of way (except for the mass murdering part and the gamma mutated one obviously LOL). He grew up insecured, without self estime and shy and full of self-hatred and he was taught it was his own fault if he wasn't like people wanted him to be. And he hates people for making him feel weak and humiliating him and making him unsafe, the way I hate people for that too.
So in him I can express myself and I can feel understood and less lonely.
Recently I was explaining on BlueSky why it was important for me to boost his popularity. I don't care about being known as his biggest fan, even if it's still a very enjoyable title. But I want people to love him. I draw him and I share him so much because I want people to love him. It's more important to me than my own visibility and fame (and yet, I need that for my job so that says a a lot). I want HIM to be popular and loved. Sam is kind of a way to communicate with myself. Through him I learnt self-love and care. I learnt confidence and, who knows, maybe when I show Sam he can gets love it's a way to tell myself that I deserve it too. Because through Sam, it's often me people enjoy.
When you have health issues, disabilities, you're taught to blame yourself over it, you're taught that you don't deserve to be loved. Hell, you're not even human. So you grow up without self estime and full of self-hatred.
Sam is like me in a lot of way (except for the mass murdering part and the gamma mutated one obviously LOL). He grew up insecured, without self estime and shy and full of self-hatred and he was taught it was his own fault if he wasn't like people wanted him to be. And he hates people for making him feel weak and humiliating him and making him unsafe, the way I hate people for that too.
So in him I can express myself and I can feel understood and less lonely.
Recently I was explaining on BlueSky why it was important for me to boost his popularity. I don't care about being known as his biggest fan, even if it's still a very enjoyable title. But I want people to love him. I draw him and I share him so much because I want people to love him. It's more important to me than my own visibility and fame (and yet, I need that for my job so that says a a lot). I want HIM to be popular and loved. Sam is kind of a way to communicate with myself. Through him I learnt self-love and care. I learnt confidence and, who knows, maybe when I show Sam he can gets love it's a way to tell myself that I deserve it too. Because through Sam, it's often me people enjoy.
And after Sam I started developping the same kind of feelings for Tim Blake Nelson's work. Not even because of Sam and it makes everything funnier. But while he's very real, he doesn't know me, I don't know him. So I don't need his presence, his attention, I don't need him to know I exist to make me feel a bit of relief and comfort (though of course as a fan and as an artist it would be insanely cool if he notices my work haha). It's kind of a pocket love, that's how I see my love for Sam and Tim's work, something I can keep with me, "in my pocket", unlike my closest ones.
I would often tell myself "gotta stay to see MCU Sam on big screen", some of you saw me say this a few time "don't worry I'm not planning to die 'til I see Tim as MCU Sam on big screen".
And you're starting to get where this post is leading you.
But I had yet to learn to live for myself. I was still so sure I didn't deserve shit, because it was my fault if the people I love suffer me.
But I was trying to learn, inconsciously, that I deserved things too.
So I cling to little things I like to stay, to little promises I'd make to people and things I enjoy.
And so, we reach our September 2023, I felt more at peace back then but it was still complicated for me, I still didn't care about my own life, or death, still kinda wish it would happen even if it wasn't nearly as bad as it was after the relapse but I just didn't see any hope for me other than "I'll stay for the people I love", the relapse was hard and I still had a very hard time going outside and just wanting to do anything at all other than sitting in the safety of my bedroom and drawing (at least I wanted to draw, still a big win 'cause I did stop for over a decade when my health went terribly wrong in high school). You gotta understand that in 2023 I still didn't have any therapists (I saw them, like, 3x in 15 years), no treatment, no therapy, no diag, nothing at all (worst mistake of my life but as I said I was scared of doctors). I'm all by myself, trying to find reason to stay and to get better.
And Tim Blake Nelson step in that stage, smiling, so simple, so modest, so himself. And to me it was everything. When he showed up I had this silly thought "I really wanna see that on big screen, Sam on big screen, Sam on big screen portrayed by my fav actor ever, it's probably my only chance (because I didn't see Incredible Hulk on screen and most actors don't comeback a second time so a third?), it's my only chance and I don't wanna miss that". Such a simple thought, really.
But it was the first time, the first time in 20 years, that I wanted to do something and that I wanted to do it for me.
But it was the first time, the first time in 20 years, that I wanted to do something and that I wanted to do it for me.
All these years, the thought that MCU Sam might be back kept me here. I just told myself, out of despair, "but what if Tim Blake Nelson ever comes back in the MCU and you miss that? As long as there's a chance, you need to stay, just in case". So I felt indebted and I felt like, y'know, I had this "just watch me!" parasocial shonen feeling. As if I was trying to impress him and Sam, I felt like I had to do this, I had to overcome everything.
Recently someone joked about "gotta be in shape to impress MCU Sam" when I was talking about working out and yes, that's exactly what I was doing.
But the healing process is sometime harder than suffering whatever you suffer from.
I kinda accepted my faith. My life was over and that was it. I was ready to spend a life of torture and all of sudden I have hope and wishes? It sounds incredibly good but you have no idea how scary it can be. It's like standing in a place on fire, in front of a void and you have to walk on a thin line to cross it to get safe. So you stare at that thin line and you know how incredibly good you'll feel once you walk it to reach safety but to do so you have to face and aknowledge the void you were trying to ignore. So yes, hope is scary. And the more you think about it (and unfortunatly for me I suffer overthinking), the harder it is to cross it because what you see and think about isn't what lies beneath the other side and all the good you might get, no, what you think about is all the possible way you can fall from that thin line and what lies beneath the void. That's why healing is so hard, no matter how hard it is not to try. You get used to the suffering, you normalize it and so healing is like leaving a "comfort" zone, it's hard and it takes time. Because if you fail it will be worst.
And everytime I was able to cross that line, I would often say to my fiance "I did it for you" "I'll do it for you". It was enough for me but he always answered "I want you to do things for yourself". And I didn't understand, I always lived for people I love because I didn't want to live for myself. I convinced myself that I wasn't allowed to wish for anything and that I couldn't enjoy anything anymore anyway. You can't help it. I didn't undersand what was so bad about living for someone else, I thought it was even beautiful, a beautiful sacrifice. It felt so romantic to "live for someone else". And I guess it comes from my feminine education but sacrificing your life for your loved one is supposed to be beautiful, that's what you're being taught so it's true.
But that's the thing, it is a sacrifice. You're basically sacrificing your whole life, your happiness, to others. There's nothing beautiful about this, there's no beauty in sacrifice, only pain. Because people who love you will always want you to live and be happy, like my fiance. They don't want you to sacrifice anything for them, they want you to live with them, not for them, that's the difference between an healthy and a toxic relationship.
And so, when Tim Blake Nelson showed up at D23, for the first time, I wished for something. A small wish. Something simple, so futil but it became a salvation. It allowed me to live, that's what this movie means to me, it means I am allowed to live and to wish even for the simplest things when I thought I would never appreciate anything anymore. It's the last piece I need to heal my soul, after decades of wandering, lost. Through that wish I find my way back to myself.
And y'know, Tim often said "I'm glad it took this long" because now he can properly portrays Sam, because he grew. And, well, I feel the same. I'm glad it took this long too. If the movie came out before 2025, there would be absolutly no chance that I would feel good enough to even want to go to the end of this journey, I would find excuses to not see it in theater and convince myself it's ok, as always, sacrificing everything you love because it's scary to love it. I had the time to learn, to heal and most importantly I had the time to take my time. And yeah, honestly I'm still so fucking scared of seeing this movie in theater because it means so much to me, so unlike any movies I saw lately I'm scared, I'm overwelmed, y'know. But as scared as I am, I am ready, I think.
I'm also glad it took this long because I was also afraid of the "and now what?". I stayed alive to see Tim Blake Nelson as Sam on a big screen so when I do, what will be the thought that keeps me alive? I used to be scared of that afterward. But now I have a life of my own, I learnt to wish for things, to do things for myself and so basically to live, so whatever comes next, I'll take it. I have a lot of reasons to stay for myself now. I want to live with my fiance, by his side and to be happy with him. I want to see the people I love grow and spend time with them. I want to learn to love the things I stopped loving. I want to draw more, I want to move in with my fiance and to build a cool library and I want to see Sam and Tim's future (and I want Tim to sign one of my Sam art but I think I'm asking for too much right now).
I don't "need" them like I used to, though they will always be a huge part of my life and a huge fuel of my happiness because through them, for them, I learnt to enjoy things again and I find myself having fun with things from my childhood, teenagehood, things that couldn't even touch me anymore. I started having memories of my childhood back, I started wanting to do more things, to go out more often, to have a life and to have a life outside of them. Which is somewhat frustrating when I feel to sick to do what I planned lol.
Oh I still have work to do, but wanting things is the biggest possible step. Even when I felt better before COVID I didn't feel this way.
I don't "need" them like I used to, though they will always be a huge part of my life and a huge fuel of my happiness because through them, for them, I learnt to enjoy things again and I find myself having fun with things from my childhood, teenagehood, things that couldn't even touch me anymore. I started having memories of my childhood back, I started wanting to do more things, to go out more often, to have a life and to have a life outside of them. Which is somewhat frustrating when I feel to sick to do what I planned lol.
Oh I still have work to do, but wanting things is the biggest possible step. Even when I felt better before COVID I didn't feel this way.
And maybe you think I'm overreacting and as I always say, I kinda hope you do, I hope you cannot understand how it feels like, what seems to be an eternity of pain wandering in the dark, alone and lost, being a spectator of your own life, empty, unable to enjoy any of the things you used to love. I hope you don't get to know that scary feeling, the emptiness, the nothing. A glimpse of death. There's nothing scarier than feeling alone when you're not, there's nothing scarier than not having passion and love in your heart when you're so full of it. But if you do understand, I hope you do find that little sparkle of light that will keep you alive one day, until you can learn to live for yourself.
I lived through fiction and through people I loved for so long to survive when I forgot how it feels like to live, to just live. And that's something I learnt recently, something I'm still learning. And the first thing I learnt is you cannot get rid of the fear, of the pain, it's part of living and I want to live and to feel, with all the pain it implies.
All of that because I made a little wish, a simple one.
And Life is incredibly scary and hard. I will never heal, both physically and mentally. I am broken forever, I am fragile and I often have depression symptoms out of nowhere, small relapses. But I learnt to live it and I treat them the way you would treat an headache : eventually it stops and you feel better, as painful as it can be in the moment.
But life is also a lot of fun and worth the troubles, it's hard to find the right people and the right motivations but once you do you will understand. I know how some of you feel, I've been there "getting better, huh? It's not happening, never, there's no hope for me" and I know no matter what you'll still think that, because I've been there.
And Life is incredibly scary and hard. I will never heal, both physically and mentally. I am broken forever, I am fragile and I often have depression symptoms out of nowhere, small relapses. But I learnt to live it and I treat them the way you would treat an headache : eventually it stops and you feel better, as painful as it can be in the moment.
But life is also a lot of fun and worth the troubles, it's hard to find the right people and the right motivations but once you do you will understand. I know how some of you feel, I've been there "getting better, huh? It's not happening, never, there's no hope for me" and I know no matter what you'll still think that, because I've been there.
Remember, we're all alone together. You can't change your destiny but you can make the best out of it.
And as I said, honestly I'm scared. I went to theater a few time ever since and I had a good time even when I was panicking or I was sick, so I'm not scared of it as much as I used to be but watching Cap 4 specifically? It scares the shit out of me, you have no idea. Maybe I'm scared of feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'm scared of failing because unlike every other movie this one is important to me, everything I did was for this moment so I guess I'm pressuring myself. Maybe it's because I'm scared of facing everything I went through to be able to sit there and before that. Maybe it's just excitation, I have no idea, my mind is a mess currently haha. I'm genuinely happy but at the same time I'm in denial, I still haven't process this is a real thing. I get incredibly excited over little news on MCU Sam but at the same time, I can't process this is real. I don't know, maybe I'm just too used of the void so I can't really process how what I did these past years is real and how my life changed and improved because in my mind it will never be enough. I'm scared. I hate feeling my heart bumping so hard against my chest, even if it's out of excitation and positive stress, it still makes me feel anxious because I'm used of it being a sign of an upcoming crisis and bad moment, I feel like it will blow up and kill me. And the closer we get, the more often I get these lil' moment of big anxious excitation. As we get closer I feel more and more threatened.
Sometimes I wonder, is it that I can't process this movie is happening or is it that I don't want to. And honestly I think it's the latest.
Of course I feel terrible, I'm overwhelmed by happiness but also painful memories that I've been burying for years, to the point that I totally dissociated and created a "new me" that isn't the person to who these memories belong. I'm facing everything I've been ignoring. And I never had a proper therapy for that, y'know, I barely started putting a foot in the psychiatric side of my health a few months ago, I don't even have a proper full diag yet because I have yet to do more tests so I have no follow up, no medical support to face all that, I'm kinda on my own here. And I'm scared.
I'm EXHAUSTED right now. I have nightmares every nights, I keep having dark thoughts and memories of my suicidal thoughts that I confuse with actual suicidal thought. I have small panic attack daily and I wanna cry and the closer I get to see the movie, the worst it's getting.
And at the same time I'm drowning in excitation and happiness and impatience. Like a kid a few days before Christmas.
I genuinely feel like I'm sinking in madness.
But somehow it's a sweet madness.
Sometimes I wonder, is it that I can't process this movie is happening or is it that I don't want to. And honestly I think it's the latest.
Of course I feel terrible, I'm overwhelmed by happiness but also painful memories that I've been burying for years, to the point that I totally dissociated and created a "new me" that isn't the person to who these memories belong. I'm facing everything I've been ignoring. And I never had a proper therapy for that, y'know, I barely started putting a foot in the psychiatric side of my health a few months ago, I don't even have a proper full diag yet because I have yet to do more tests so I have no follow up, no medical support to face all that, I'm kinda on my own here. And I'm scared.
I'm EXHAUSTED right now. I have nightmares every nights, I keep having dark thoughts and memories of my suicidal thoughts that I confuse with actual suicidal thought. I have small panic attack daily and I wanna cry and the closer I get to see the movie, the worst it's getting.
And at the same time I'm drowning in excitation and happiness and impatience. Like a kid a few days before Christmas.
I genuinely feel like I'm sinking in madness.
But somehow it's a sweet madness.
I'll be better very soon, it's merely a phase and I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure it's a very normal and healthy phase. I'm facing the final boss, basically, so I guess, yeah, this is a normal feeling (and my health issues make everything harder 'cause y'know, NO STRESS ALLOW). And I'm scared.
I think what I suffer right now is this conflict between the need to face my traumas and accept that I suffered (and still do) and have a real life and my need to stay in the utopia I created where I pretend everything is fine in my room.
I think what I suffer right now is this conflict between the need to face my traumas and accept that I suffered (and still do) and have a real life and my need to stay in the utopia I created where I pretend everything is fine in my room.
I never allowed myself to fear death, to admit I was dying everytime the doctors thought I would and to be scared. But right now, right now I'm scared. I'm scared of failing, I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of losing what I gained through this journey.
And as bad as the fear feels like I'm kinda glad I care enough to be scared.
And as bad as the fear feels like I'm kinda glad I care enough to be scared.
I know some of the people who read me feel the way I felt and feel, for different reasons. And I know they feel as lonely as I was. I know some of you understood every single words I just wrote, as clumsy as they are, even before I explained them, because you feel the same. That's why I felt the need to share it and not just write it. There's something very satisfying and comforting in the idea of using your pain to help other people. It gives a purpose to it. It's human, we all need to find purposes in things that just are the way they are because it is what it is. So I hope this post helped you put words on your own feeling and I hope it makes you understood and maybe even less lonely.
But this is also a post for myself, to myself.
I often say that I cried a lot in my healing process and before that because that's how I felt, but I never did, no matter how much I wanted to, I never did, I never allowed myself to cry about it, about the illness, the disabilities, my condition, my life, even if I know I deserve that right and even need it. But I never did. I had tears in my eyes and my heart hurt the same way you feel when you cry, but I never allowed myself to release that, to let the tears drown on my face so you kinda have all the discomfort and exhaustion of crying without the comfort that comes after releasing all these emotions.
I cried so much but without crying, if that make sense and I need that, I need to cry. When you swallow your tears, you don't allow yourself to evacuate whatever is hurting you and you keep it inside of you forever. And it grows, like a fire, it grows and it consumes you.
It's not strength, it's running away.
It's not strength, it's running away.
I spent half of my life clinging to one thought : "I need to be here when Tim Blake Nelson finally portrays Sam as the Leader". It's the thought I had when I was dying to keep fighting. It's the thought I had that made me stay here when I was overwhelmed by suicidal thought.
So when I sat in this theater, when I see Tim Blake Nelson portraying Sam on big screen, when the thought and memories of everything I went through and everything I survived for this moment reach me, when my whole life flash before my eyes, when I remember all the time I died or would rather die and when the realization that I did it and that I'm finally living hit me.
So when I sat in this theater, when I see Tim Blake Nelson portraying Sam on big screen, when the thought and memories of everything I went through and everything I survived for this moment reach me, when my whole life flash before my eyes, when I remember all the time I died or would rather die and when the realization that I did it and that I'm finally living hit me.
How do you think I felt?
