A little warning, we're gonna spoil Inside Out 2, we're gonna talk about anxiety as a mental illness and not as a character so if that make you feel uncomfortable maybe avoid reading.
It's a quick post that I made out of emotions a Monday morning so it's probably gonna be very clumsy haha
I'll need to do a small disclaimer here : I'm talking about my own experience, my own advices, my own struggles. What applies to me might not apply to you. Remember that we're all trying our best here.
It's no secret for people who have been following me for a while but I've been suffering and highly struggling with anxiety for around 20 years now. To the point that I developped a huge agoraphobia. Going outside is very difficult for me, in fact I spent 10 years of my life in my bedroom, having huge panic attacks that I tried to hide and keep burried deep inside everytime I had to go outside or even in my garden.
I have an illness that impact cortisol and so my stress and my hability to deal with stress. So panic attack and anxiety are part of my life. It's not something I hide anymore, it's not something I feel shameful about either. I'm physically unable to deal with stress of all kind. Excitation, sadness, anger, anxiety so of course it leads to physical and mental fatigue and to panic attack and to avoid these I would just stay in my bedroom and develop agoraphobia and claustrophobia.
But anyway, Disney Pixar made a new Inside Out, dealing with new emotions, as Riley grew up to become a teen and while I'm usually not into a second Disney movie, Pixar proved us they could do great through Toy Story, the Incredibles, even Monsters Inc (I haven't seen cars so I can't tell for this one) and having a movie about emotions dealing with teenagehood sounds like a good idea to me so, for once, I'm actually excited for this movie.
I haven't seen it yet, ironically because of anxiety, but I saw the specific moment people are complaining about and it's enough to talk about what I want to write so let's dive in the spoiler.
Long story short, Riley and Anxiety have a panic attack. Simple as that. And some people are angry because "oh, look, yet another panic attack in a kid movie, it's so not original".
So out of curiosity I watched that specific part.
And it genuinely made me tear up a little bit.
Mental illness is finally adressed and people are slowly starting to realize that they don't have to hide or be ashamed and it's a good thing we should be celebrating.
Both Riley and Anxiety's reactions are just so strong and accurate. The foot taping the ground, the head hitting, the face touch, the pain chest, the fast heartbeat, the loud breath, the sweating, the mix of all emotions, of loud thoughts, the dissociation, the tornado in your head, the frozing, the crying, feeling like colapsing or dying, feeling hopeless and alone, feeling like this is the end.
It was incredibly moving already to see such a perfect way to illustrate a feeling (and God how explaining a feeling is hard) but then you have Joy telling Anxiety "you don't get to choose who Riley is" and fuck how I wish I would hear this 20 years ago.
How I wish a movie showed me what a panic attack is and how I wish I would hear that when I was laying down in my bed in pain, in fear, in loneliness telling to myself "this is my life now, this is what I am, this is my everyday, this is my life". You have no idea of how painful it is to go through something you don't understand.
When I had my first panic attacks, I would beg my mom to bring me to hospital because I thought I was going to die, I would panic to the point of convulsing and not understanding what was going on made everything more painful and difficult.
And ultimatly I wanted to put an end to this and because I didn't understand what was going or how to deal with that overwelming feeling, I only saw one way to escape.
Adressing this kind of emotions and situations can save lifes and if you can't realize that then your heart is as empty as your head.
Being strong isn't about feeling strong, being strong is about living through Hell. People who suffer mental illness such as depression and anxiety can smile through Hell while you don't even have the strength to comprehend what it means. We survive and we try to live and we love and we smile. Even if we don't want to we're still surviving, we're still living, while all you do is spreading hate for your own entertainment because it's just way easier to ignore and mock a problem than going through it, people who suffer anxiety and depression are stronger than everyone else and everytime they wake up and go through another day they prove how strong they are.
I'm not writing for little goons whose life are so empty they have to troll people online to feel good about themself, they're not interesting enough to have me feel anything or aknowledge them as more than a slightly annoying noise among other noises. I'm writing for the people who go through Hell with me and who need this kind of representation. I'm writing for the people who are still fighting against themself.
So let's talk about it, let's talk about fighting yourself.
That's how most people feel about anxiety and/or depression (they often flirt together so when you suffer one you often suffer the other) but let's look at it from a different angle.
Sure Joy telling Anxiety that she won't define Riley's life was an important message but let's also talk about Anxiety saying "I was just trying to protect her" because that's what emotions are about. Even the most negative emotions are here to protect us and that's what Inside Out was already about through sadness but that's also the important message of Inside Out 2 that people seems to just forget about or don't really pay attention to.
I always imagine myself as a co-living. There is my brain/mind, there is my body and there is me. The three of us have different feelings and emotions and you can't always understand nor hear what they think. Sometimes your body will try to send you a message through pain to tell you that something is wrong, how else would you try to heal yourself or see a doctor if your body wasn't sending you this message and make it annoying enough to have you not ignore it ? Sometimes your head will make you feel bad, dissociate, anxious to protect your from a trauma, from a dangerous situation. Their only goal is to protect you, always.
And sometimes, sometimes while they're trying to protect you, they panic and they fucked up. Sometime the mind and the body misinterpret something and sometimes they need you to tell them that everything will be alright.
And this is the point of therapies in fact, to learn that. I had to learn it the hard way because I never took the time to go to therapy but if I could go back I would instead of wasting 15 years of my life thinking strength was about overcoming this alone and by myself. It took me 15 years to understand that it was never about fighting myself and that I should rather learn to listen to my body and my mind, that they were never my enemies but my strongest allies. They work hard everyday to have me survive, it's my role to live and it's my role to give them a break from time to time and to reassure them as well. They take care of me when I can't so I have to take care of them when they can't 'cause I'm the one pulling them together and keeping them alive as well.
And I'm not saying that it's easy, a pain is still a pain even when you understand why it's here but once you stop trying to fight yourself and once you understand that you should learn to live WITH it rather than against it, things will get better. It won't be perfect, but it will get better.
In the end, when Joy is calming down Riley through a hug, Anxiety is part of that final hug because while Anxiety can't define who you are, it's still a part of you.
I still highly struggle with anxiety (not against it, with it), I still suffer suicidal thoughts from time to time as well but I know these are like a bad headache. It always stop eventually, even for a moment. And with time these short moment of peace will grow and their will be stronger and longer than painful moments. It took me 15 years to realize that, honestly I started living once I reached 30 but hey, it's never too late. And I can tell that these past 5 years I went through the worst several time. But it was worth it. I'm happy to be here now.
Understanding that you live with these feelings rather than trying to get rid of them will help you stay in controle when they're overwelming, accepting them will have you panicking less and most importantly it will help you avoid a relapse. Nothing more hurtful than thinking you got rid of these negative feelings and pain only to realize they're still here so you should rather learn to accept them, I know it sounds negative but it's not. And I know you don't want to because you don't want pain but look at me, you can live and find happiness even when you live in Hell, you can't change your destiny but you can make the best out of it.
It's also a good occasion to remind you to seek help, find people who will listen to you, understand you, help you. Never be ashamed of feeling that way because we ALL do, we all do. Even for people who pretend they're "too strong to feel that way", they will go through anxiety and depression at least once in their life too. Good for them if they can overcome it because they don't have an illness like us, it doesn't make them stronger, just luckier.
And if people make you feel ashamed tell them. Taught them how to behave, if they care about you, they'll learn, if they don't then you shouldn't stick to them to begin with. learn too, learn that you deserve better, that you deserve the best, that you deserve to be a good person and a loved one. Learn that it's ok to fail, to feel bad about yourself, to feel down, to want to end it all, learn that it's just your mind forcing the break you need.
And if you're one of the people who don't know how to deal with a closed one suffering anxiety, be there for them, listen to them, make them feel valid in their feeling. Don't tell them that they have no reason to be anxious or depressed, they know they're irrationnal, these illness aren't rational, it will only add to their guilt and make everything harder, they'll only push you and everyone else away. You should rather try to understand why they're anxious and tell them how you will deal with it. For exemple, the main subject of my panic attack is my health. I'm afraid of feeling sick, of fainting. So instead of telling me that I won't feel sick, my safe figures tell me what they'll do if I do feel sick, if I do faint, they'll show me how I can escape a stressful place etc... They also accept Anxiety. Trust and love is something you earn so earn it. I know it can be stressful to deal with that but remember, the person need to calm down and to relax, relax them, we have all our little tips, a sound, a touch, whatever.
You gotta understand that you don't need to fight a panic attack but you need to understand it.
You don't try to fight it away, you try to understand. You understand why someone is having a panic attack and you reassure them by telling them how you'll keep them safe, you make them understand why they scared, you make them understand their surounding and YOU understand why they're scared. Every panic attack are different and have different way to be dealt with so it's important to understand what's going on, to reasonate yourself or to help the person suffering it.
As I said above, learn your own little tips. I have a stressball dinosaure that I bring with me to have something to touch, stretch, crush to feel better. Because that's the thing with anxiety, it's not something you can just keep inside, it's something you need to express. That's why Riley was taping the ground, hitting her head, touching her face, breathing loudly etc... Because anxiety is something you need to evacuate so if you can't evacuate it through words, do it through actions and find a way to express it before it turns into a panic attack.
And that's the last interesting point of that Panic Attack scene I wanna talk about. Riley's reaction once she starts to calm down.
She closes her eyes, she takes a deep breath and most importantly she touches the bench. She touches her environment. When I start dissociating because of anxiety (which is, for me, the first step before a panic attack), my fiance has me touch my environment as well, by holding my hand, by making me touch trees, walls. She accepts her feelings and she tries to adress them. She's clumsy when she does, she doesn't really admit she was having a panic attack from what I saw (maybe later, idk, as I said I haven't seen the movie yet) but she tries, this is the first step, trying to talk about it. And it's not an easy thing to do, most of us don't just go like "oh I just had a panic attack", it's hard to admit and to understand. One step at a time. One step at a time.
And remember that it takes time to recover. Four days ago I had one and I'm still recovering from it, having more anxiety than usual and dark thoughts. But as annoying as it is I know it will calm down, slowly I'll stop overfixating on it, I'll stop thinking about it.
Remember what Katrina said in Animal Crossing, "bad times are just times that are bad". Lots of people laughed at it like "no shit Sherlock" but it's a very important sentence that you need to remember when you're having a crisis of all kind, it's just a time that is bad, meaning it will always, always slowly vanish, like time, so hang on, your panic attack will always stop, your suicidal crisis will always stop. Take some time to calm down, to talk to people you love, take some time for yourself and don't do anything, just stop. It's your body and your mind telling you that you need a break, if you don't take a break yourself they will force it to you so listen to them, stop, take that break and stop fonctionning. It's gonna be alright. The best thing to do is to do nothing, it will stop by itself. I know you think it's you against the World and I know that everytime these crisis hit you think "this is it" but remember, Anxiety don't get to define who you are.
I don't share about my health a lot on Xwitter for obvious reason, however I often talk about it on Bluesky, about my own personal tip, about what I did successfully, what I failed etc... You can read it without having an account if you need that kind of stuff.
Take care of yourself~
